wats on dre's mind...

yesterday was horrible
yesterday's yesterday was amazing
talk about kicking someone when they're down?
maybe they're right? but i know that's not true.
three different unrelated sources all telling me the same message "no one wants you."
horrible nightmares. woke up crying. who do i call for help?
best friends of course.
does that help?
"you're just making yourself upset."
"just stop thinking about it"
thanks.
now i feel all better.
except not at all.
yesterday's yesterday i was wanted.
yesterday's yesterday people were mourning my departure and anticipating my next arrival
but they don't know me. maybe that's why they think they want me.
i know how i could feel better.
unfortunately.
the only person who has ever been able to stop an anxiety attack in its tracks.
i could be in hysterics and being sick and bawling and not breathing.
all he has to do is say ''it's going to be okay''
and just like that, it is.
i wish i could give that power to someone new.
someone who cares about me or even just someone who would use that power to help me.
it doesn't harm anyone to just tell me it's going to be okay
no one knows our secrets
no one will ever know our secrets
so just tell me it's all going to be alright and i'll believe you
just like i believed you in every other lie you've ever told me
he's the only medicine right now.
basketball is like advil
it will coat the pain and make it seem like it's not there for an hour or two, or maybe even a day
but at the end of the day when i lay down, finally alone, that's exactly how i feel;
alone.
i feel a burden to my friends, to my family
constantly needing something, someone to look after me.
i am independent.
just lost.
everyone has their own stuff to deal with i get it
i can't be everyone's priority.
but i don't want to be everyone's priority
i just want to be on his list in the first place
even at the bottom
it's a short fall from the top
he never really had much on his mind in terms of priorities
does what he's told
mom, girlfriend, school.
____, andreia, ______
not anymore
stupid slutface
she doesn't deserve him
he doesn't deserve me

i wish that he could, just for one day, feel what i'm feeling and understand what i want from him.
but that's impossible.
no one can do that
especially when that's the last thing he wants
he doesn't want to know how he hurts people
he just wants what's easy
she's easy
at least that's what all the boys say.
like the one in her sex video she made in grade 11
slut.
i tried to be nice to her
even after she slept with my boyfriend.
twice.
but she bitched at me and bitched at me and broke me down
and she still got him.
life's not fair.
and i'm the demonstration.

Love is a battlefield
the song i can't seem to get out of my head
well i'll grab my armour
the most important part? the mask.
i'll wear that mask and that armour knowing that
only one person in the world can see through that mask
only one person in the world has a dagger sharp enough to cut through that armour
the scars i have on my heart only he can see when he looks into my eyes
so many will suffer because of it.

once upon a time there was a princess
she lived in a grand castle and had many subjects all of whom she adored
but she was very lonely
princes would come from far off lands to seek her hand
but they, being princes, were all arrogant and loved themselves more than they could ever love her
one day, while walking through her gardens, she came across a stable boy.
he was very handsome with green eyes and brown hair and very tall
he was very shy
she began to sneak out of her castle at night when no one was watching to go meet her new friend
he told her of the evil stable girl who had cast a spell on him and he couldn't remember his life before being a stable boy.
the princess banished the stable girl from her land and brought the stable boy into the castle
and they began to fall in love
the princess was a studious girl and the stable boy loved to see the fun in everything
they made a perfect match
one day he bought her a ring and made her the happiest princess of all time
as she put the ring on her finger, the stable girl's spell was broken and the stable boy turned into the prince he once was.
she thought he was handsome before, but nothing could have prepared her for the way he looked now
he looked like a warm hug on a cold winter night, like a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a dungeon, or a warm towel fresh out of the dryer.
they lived happily for quite some time
little did the princess know, the evil stable girl had found a way to disguise herself and sneak back into her kingdom.
one fateful summer afternoon, the prince came to the princess in chains weeping
she asked him what was wrong, but he was unsure how to reply
he told her that the evil stable girl (who was really a bit- i mean witch...) had chained him to her and refused to release him.
as the chains worked their magic the prince's clothing turned black and his eyes changed from green to red.
as he became her puppet, the princess wept.
she was unfamiliar with this strange dark magic and entirely unable to help him
she watched the witch drag away her beloved prince to a far off land.
to this day, she can still hear his desperate cries, chained down by the evil witch
feeling the ''need'' that the chains brought on him.

maybe this story could have a different ending? the princess would very much like her prince back.

still.

He would pull up to my victorian mansion in his limo. I would be wearing my prom dress with a small clutch carrying my lipgloss and white bikini. We cruise around drinking champagne and sitting in the hot tub inside the limo. A couple hours later (who really knows how much time went by) we pull up to a drive in movie theatre. The top of the limo folds back and we look up to see a million stars in the sky. The Notebook is playing and we sit back in the hot tub, his arm around me and...

Tuesday, September 15 2009

He's like a drug. I want him so badly it hurts but I know he is bad for me. Whenever I get to see him or spend time with him even a little bit I want him more and more. But I can't not see him. I'm beginning to forget what it feels like to be in his arms. I'm forgetting to forget what his skin feels like against my cheek. I want him so badly and yet I know I cannot make him happy and that is all I wish for him. If he's happy with her I want that for him. I just really wish I could be the one to make him happy because he makes me more than happy. Whenever I'm excited about something or upset or nervous I always have the urge to call him and tell him what happened but I can't anymore. Everything I say that is 100% true is wrong. I can't say what I want to say because that would be manipulative. I can't guilt trip him into being with me because that wouldn't be me and that wouldn't be him wanting me. If only I could let him see how much I want him but I can't do that without losing him entirely.

Taylor Swift's Invisible:
She can't see the way your eyes,
light up when you smile

She'll never notice how you stop and stare

Whenever she walks by


And you can't see me wanting you the way you want her

But you are everything to me



I just wanna show you

She don't even know you

She's never gonna love you like I want to

And you just see right through me
But if you only knew me 

We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable
Instead of just invisible



Theres a fire inside of you

That can't help but shine through

She's never gonna see the light

No matter what you do


And all I think about is how to make you think of me

And everything that we could be



I just wanna show you

She don't even know you

She's never gonna love you like I want to

And you just see right through me
But
if you only knew me 

We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable
Instead of just invisible




Like shadows in a faded light

Oh we're invisible


I just wanna open your eyes

And make you realize.




I just wanna show you she don't even know you
Baby let me love you, let me want you


You just see right through me

But if you only knew me 

We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable

Instead of just invisible

She can't see the way your eyes

Light up when you smile

Try missing something that may or may not have ever existed. Missing something that existed would be easier because there is always a chance that it could come back because it exists. Missing something that never existed would be harder but still at least you are sure that it will never 'come back' because it never existed. Not knowing whether something existed or not while wishing with every part of my body and soul that I could have it back even just for one moment is the hardest most painful thing I've ever been through. It's like grasping at smoke. It was there but it's not something you can fully hold or control. I don't know how much Pat cared about me but I do know how much I cared about him. I want him back. I can't breathe without thinking about him but when I think about him I cant breathe because he is no longer mine, I am no longer his. I wish to be irresistible to him. I wish he could want me as much as I want him.

I just spoke to Pat on the phone. I read him what is above. He said he had to go. He always has to go when I say stupid things but then he says I can tell him anything. I cry so hard every time. I really don't know what I'm allowed to say to whom and why I can't just wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm so lost I really am. When I get that familiar feeling bubbling up to overwhelm me I immediately think to call Pat because he is the only person ever to be able to talk me out of it. I remember that I can no longer call him because I will only make him stressed out and push him further away. I let the feeling overwhelm me further induced by the fact that I have no one to help me get through this attack. I break down and my knees go weak or my strides get longer and more powerful depending on my adrenaline. My head begins to spin and I feel like the only way to make it stop is to rip it out of my head or close my ears as tightly as possible while closing my eyes until nothing exists anymore. I try to think of another alternative but there is only one; him. Call me obsessive or creepy or bad at moving on or whatever you want. I am in love with him and my heart is broken. I cannot seem to mend it. I want my life back. I want my adorable little Ruby back, Zack who was always there to point out the dumb things Pat said, I miss his mom who could always tell when I needed a hug, and G, his step-dad who always had a hilarious but really strange story to tell... I miss our bed that was SO comfortable and SO safe always. I could spend days there and sometimes did. My teddy bear was always there and my Pat was always there. Wow I can't even describe how my world has been turned around.

It's not all bad. I have become so independent in the past few weeks since the breakup. I have been home more and made more of a contribution. I have done well at work and made money for the past month and a half. Most importantly, I have managed my anxiety attacks alone for the first time since they started two years ago. The past two days have been really rough because I've been very sleepy and therefore my anxiety has been much worse but I've still been able to manage it for the most part. Except on the phone with Pat today. That was a mistake. That's all I can do these days, make mistakes. I need a project. School, fashion, something, anything. I need a project to launch myself into and be completely confident. Basketball. That will be my project. On Thursday is the first NT Senior Girls' basketball tryout...I am going to go and see if I can help coach. I hope I can. It would be exactly what I need to stop thinking about him all the time. I will be okay. I know I will be okay. I just need to get through this. I don't need him. I do want him. But I don't need him. I will be so much better than okay. I will be great. One day soon...

Monday, September 14, 2009

I've been trying to get myself to start a journal on my computer but I just haven't been able to sit down and do it. I'm so used to writing things out but I just don't have time for that anymore. Pat Rogers broke my heart. He broke up with me and the next day I found out he had sex with Eleni twice while we were dating in April and during the summer. He also hooked up with Katie Woods in January. Not even a month after I gave him my virginity. I have never hurt so much in my life, even when my mom left.
Today has been a weird day. I keep having dreams of Pat and I in weird ways. I miss him more than I can say. I bent all of my morals to be with him and it wasn't even hard. I let him do cocaine off me. I gave him my virginity after dating for only two months. If I had given every two-month relationship that I would have lost it a long time ago. He made everything better. He got pure joy out of making me happy. Every time I got excited about something, he was the first person I'd go to tell and he would always share my enthusiasm for silly things like Disney movies or being right about the weather or anything really. It's so weird having to censor everything I say to him now. The day after I found out he had cheated on me, two days after he had broken up with me, I found out he started dating Eleni. It broke my heart.